Prompt 3 (2008) asks students to go into detail about how the relationship between a main character and their foil can shed light on the overall meaning of a work.
3A. This student clearly understands both the prompt and the book they used as an example. Their essay is also well-written and easy to follow, despite the fact that I've never read the book they were discussing. At points, however, it seems like they get a little bit too caught up in summarizing the plot as opposed to commenting on the significance of the relationship between Huang Taitai and Lindo Jong. The length of the essay really saves them - since it is so long, the writer can get away with summarizing a little bit, as they still take the time to develop their point. I would much rather have read more about their take on the characters' relationship than understand the plot, though, as their take on that relationship seemed really insightful.
3B. This student's essay makes it seem as if they don't fully understand the prompt. While they address the prompt towards the end of the essay, for the majority of the time they seem somewhat directionless. Like Student 3A they spend a long time summarizing the plot, but their summary is not nearly as effective in communicating the details that would have made their essay cohesive. They spend a lot of time focusing on Shug, to the point where it almost seems that they are implying she is Celle's foil. However, at the end of their essay they say that no, it was actually Celle's father who was her foil. If they had made that clear in their thesis and cut down on summarizing, the essay would have been a lot more focused. Since they didn't, it just seems disorganized. The student also never really goes into depth about how Celle's father is her foil. They mention that his actions "determine how she lives the first half of her life" and later say that he embodies everything she "learns not to be." But there are no examples of this contrast given. Instead, the student spends nearly a page going to great lengths in order to describe Celle's relationship with Shug. If they had instead devoted more time to proving how Celle's father is her foil, the essay would have been far more effective.
3C. This student's essay is really difficult to follow. They seem to misunderstand what a foil is, as shown when they say that "Baba is a very loyal character" and then go on to later say that "Hassan is just like this." A character would not be just like their foil, because the entire point of a foil is that they provide contrast. The student also never really gives concrete examples of how Baba and Hassan are supposedly foils. There are a lot of vague statements, but they are never developed to be the proof that a strong essay would contain. Overall, it is far too simple in both depth and structure. The student never explains or goes into detail about any of the claims they make, so they have no way of supporting their thesis. They also never really show their mastery of language, as all of their sentences are short and some seem to contradict themselves. Their brief attempts to explain the plot only leave me more confused. It almost would be better if they didn't even bring up the storyline, as it doesn't add anything to the essay. I'm honestly a little bit surprised that this essay even got a four.
With regard to 3A, I can see how it may be difficult to keep on task and not become a tour guide, like Ms Holmes says. It seems like while writing the essay you have to provide some background and plot, but how much is sufficient? Especially when time is crunched like during an exam, I think it will be difficult to know when to stop. As for 3B, it seems strange that the student would go on about something unrelated to their thesis or prompt. I wonder if that student made an outline, and if that may help avoid that kind of wandering. It's sad when a student misunderstands a concept like in 3C. I bet you're right that the student didn't know what a foil was. But they still got a four, so that's comforting, right? Reading these samples can be good prep for our own exams, and I think it's really helpful that you state what the student could have done better.
ReplyDeleteThe first essay seems like it is well-written but not concise. If it was a long essay, this person was probably just a fast writer, but it would have been much better to use fewer words to get the point across. It seems like the writer of the second essay was confused, or changed their mind at the last minute. Maybe at first the writer thought that Shug was Celle’s foil which is why the essay spent so much time on Shug, but after thinking about it further the writer realized maybe Shug isn’t Celle’s foil. Probably some planning before the essay would have helped. A quick outline or some notes on the main points would have helped a lot. The last essay sounds pretty bad. The writer probably didn’t know what “foil” meant (which is unbelievable for an AP student). They also probably had this story and characters memorized, but then didn’t know how to apply it to the prompt and just made up what they could.
ReplyDeleteI agree that the first essay is well written but I also agree that all the student essays have to much summarizing. There is a fine line in between too much and too little and that is a skill that we need to have mastered by the AP test. I also like some of the points you made about the third response when you said, "The student never explains or goes into detail about any of the claims they make, so they have no way of supporting their thesis." because the basic structure of an essay to make a thesis and then explain it. The third student essay was very poor but I'm glad that we have the opportunity to learn from it and not make the same mistakes. The second essay needs more emphasis on Celle's father to make the essay more effective. Overall I think you did an awesome job analyzing!
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